Thursday, October 16, 2008

My Wife Did a Better Choice

Me and my wife Terumi were blending two families from different culture but we had established certain rules for the children. One rule was that there is no internet games during school days.

One day Terumi came home from work to find me and my kids, playing together in front of the computer. I saw she was infuriated. but rather yelling at me. She called me papa can you come here please!

In the heat of a discussion, Its easy for us to say these firing words, "If you ever … then I'll …" (fill in the blanks). Or maybe one will say, "Don't you ever say (or do) that again or we have big problem." We rarely resolve anything when one or both partners act out of a threatening tune of our voice.

Terumi did Better Choice: She succeed by pulling me aside and simply asking for clarification. Did I forget? Did I change my mind? But the fact that I feel how she felt, and that very moment the only thing I can say is "Sorry Mama" You felt being betrayed by what I did, It will never happen again.... and I saw her face lighten up, and I give her a tight hug as we embrace each other

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dealing with Childrens Uniqueness

Uniqueness of my children are the most rewarding thing that I can treasure always, many times I listen to a lots of parents saying that they love there sons and daughter equally, but I think, you can only provide their material needs equally, but the LOVE you have to deal it uniquely.

One of the typical example, when we come back from shopping for groceries, we always brought something for the kids, even simple things or toys, and of course since we have four kids, we always bought same toy for everyone. One thing that I notice, every time we arrive, kids raced to get the toys. I notice several different expression of love language, from my eldest which is 9 years old, he will jump up and down with joy while my second son, he will smile and say thanks and he will give you a big hug. My daughter which is 7 years old, after she gets the toy, she just want to tell you what is going on for her day. My youngest who is 4 I'm still in the process of knowing what kind of language he will express. With this experience I can say that we have a lot of things to learn from every child and so with our partners in life.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Let's be love language fluent

1. Words of Affirmation
Verbal expressions of love, gratitude, agreement, and appreciation can go a long way for someone whose primary love language is “Words of Affirmation.” According to, “Simple statements, such as, ‘You look great in that suit,’ are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.” The key here is that the person feels loved through verbal expression. To "affirm” is to confirm truth. Every time you validate your partner’s feelings, back them up in their stance, encourage or tell them how much you love and value them, you are speaking their love language.

If you aren’t great at giving compliments, look for qualities in your partner that you admire most. For example, if math isn’t your area of expertise, but your partner is a whiz, try saying something like, “It’s amazing how great you are with people. I didn't know you have such talent! ” It may seem obvious, but for someone who values words of affirmation, you are speaking directly to their heart. Written words work just as well, so leaving a little love in the form of a note, letter, text message or email can warm their heart.

A less obvious approach is by speaking positively about them when they is not present. Words have a funny way of getting around, so hearing how highly someone was praised through a third party can feel especially encouraging.

If words of affirmation is the love language of the man in your life, he will be sensitive to verbal criticism, so go easy on the fighting words.

to be continued...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

How fluent are you In Love Languages?

Knowing which of the five love languages your partner responds to, be fluent. You could be pouring on the verbal compliments, but if physical touch is the language they best understand, they may feel neglected, while you feel irritated.

Friday, October 3, 2008


Acts of Service: This is when you do things for the one you love - things that take planning, time, effort and energy. This could be mowing the lawn, building a house, keeping the house clean, folding the laundry, and washing the car. You may need to ask what it is you can do for us because not all acts of service count the same - your doing my taxes may mean a whole lot more to me than your doing the dishes. Even if we do not need that particular act of service at that moment in time, we will feel loved because you offered. The act has to be unconditional: "If you do this for me then I'll do this for you” is not an act of love. You must do these acts of service out of kindness, not obligation, and without expecting anything in return for it to be truly a language of love.
Other examples:
Your spouse takes the time to fill out the long complicated applications that you had hoped to get to this evening.
Your spouse volunteers to do a job around the house that is typically your job.
Your spouse brings you breakfast in bed.
Your coworker picks up your documents from the printer even though it is out of his way.
Your roommate pays to have a house cleaning service come and do spring-cleaning.
(5) Physical Touch: Physical touch is a basic human need. However, some of us need more of it than others to feel loved: a hug, a pat on the arm, a stroke on the cheek, a shoulder massage or our back scratched. Are they always reaching to hold your hand? Do they frequently put an arm around you? Do they stand physically close, maintain loving eye contact, rest a hand on your arm or leg? Do you find them sitting in the same room with you even if you are doing different activities - just breathing in the silence together? A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you just quietly hold them than offer any words of encouragement or advice. In a romantic relationship sex can be a critical part of this language, but we also need touches and caresses during our daily lives to let us know you cherish us.
Other examples include:
Your friend gives you a foot massage.
Your spouse makes a point to hug and kiss you before leaving the house.
Your partner stops and gives you a hug just because you are passing by him/her in the room.
Your coworker places her hand on your shoulder when congratulating you on your promotion.
Your soccer teammate massages the cramp out of your calf muscle for you during a time-out.

* Gary Chapman is the author of several books on The Five Languages of Love. (Northfield Publishing, Chicago, IL.) If you'd like to order the book, please go to his website: Dr. Gary Chapman love languages, languages of love, five love languages

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Gift Giver and Reciever Language

The 5 Love Language

Paraphrased from Gary Chapman’s* best selling book

Receiving Gifts: Also known as visual or tangible symbols of love, does the person like to have surprise gifts that are totally unexpected? A personalized gift says that we cared enough to make the effort to bring pleasure to the other person. To be effective the gift must be something that will please the other person. You don't have to go out and spend a lot of money - we just need tangible little remembrances that you are thinking about us even when we are not with you. For example, a card, something you made, a carefully wrapped piece of fudge that you brought home from the office because someone brought it in to work for the group, and you remembered know how much I love fudge. It is especially affecting when the gift is something we have wanted, or is unique to one of our little quirks. You may need to give the gift with a bit of ceremony, so that we know you meant it as a token of love. The gift has to be unconditional with no strings attached, rather than a bargaining tool to get something you want in return.

Other examples include:

  • Your friend sends you something special through the mail just because it made them think of you.
  • Your spouse brings you home a surprise treat from the store.
  • Your partner surprises you with a membership to something you always wanted.
  • Your coworker gives you the gift of time, staying late to help you finish a project.
Your classmate brings extra pens to class knowing you usually forget yours.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Opportunity Provider

The 5 Love Language

Paraphrased from Gary Chapman’s* best selling book

Quality Time: Spending time listening, sharing, teaching, reading in the same room, trips, movies, games, etc. Does your partner always want your undivided attention? This language includes quality conversation -- not just being in the same physical space. Quality time means giving others your undivided attention, being available - looking into someone's eyes while you are speaking with them. It is about talking about things that are important, including one's core beliefs and emotions. For example, you go to a symphony concert with me because you know I enjoy going, and you want to share in something I enjoy - even when that kind of music is not your style.

Specific examples include:

  • Your spouse kidnaps you for lunch and takes you to your favorite restaurant.
  • Your friend invites you to go on a leisurely walk just to chat about things that are important to you.
  • Your partner plans a special night out for the two of you.
  • Your coworker tells you how upset he is about the changes happening in the company.
You and your house mate share stories about past hurts or embarrassing moments.